A letter to an Ex.

This is a letter that I sent to an ex of mine a few days ago. The letter itself should say it all. Thought it might make for an interesting addition to my blog.

Well here I am again. I full well realize how long it has been since I have gotten a hold of you, and well it is kind of a long story as to why I am writing this letter. So bear with me because I’m going to tell it.

When two people generally split up, they are supposed to stop thinking about each other, or being in love with each other or what not a few months or so after the split. That never really happened with me, obviously. I figured when you and I really lost contact with each other that maybe that’s what needed to happen, that maybe it was the constant contact with you that kept my feelings alive. But that never happened either. Truth be told I’ve always thought of you, ever since I first met you.

It’s not that I think about you everyday. There are lulls in which I barely think about you at all. I’ve actually been in one lately. I’ve probably thought of you maybe twice in total over the past six months. But I get this feeling that I’m not being allowed to stop thinking about you. I don’t know what it is exactly, whether it is my subconscious, you (you know I always believed in being able to speak with people in my sleep), God, or just dumb luck. I don’t know. But something always brings you back into my mind.

Well this last time came last night in a dream, as they often do. This particular dream was kind of strange and foretelling to me. I was out somewhere just doing whatever it is I must have been doing and I saw you in your blue Nike outfit, I think, looking into a fountain. I decided to go say hi to you since it had been such a long time and you reached back and grabbed my hand as if we had been dating this entire time.

I stopped in confusion and said to you something like “Do you recognize who I am?”

To which you answered “of course I do!”

“You mean nothing has changed?” I asked still confused.

“What, you mean you cut your hair?” You oddly answered. Apparently you were stuck in a time when I still had long hair which I just find funny.

It’s at this point that I kind of phase out of what happened to the dream. But it seems to me that we just kind of stayed together and went walking around hand in hand like we were always with each other. Strange.

So anyway, here I am deciding to come up and say hi to you. Hi.=)

All that being said, I feel it necessary to talk about what exactly I am expecting as a result of this random letter to you. The answer to this is nothing. I can’t make any expectation that you would actually want to go out with me in my head. I don’t know how much distaste you grew for me over the time that followed our relationship. I know that I didn’t get over it easily and that must have been difficult on you too, I apologize for that. I’m sure part of the reason why you never contacted me after our last get together was largely due to you just wanting to be done with it. Heck, I half expect you to be married by this point or at the very least engaged. But even if you weren’t, it has been a long time. I expect that you have changed, and so have I, and who is to say that the you now would even like the me now. I think that expecting anything would be too much.

I feel the need to write this anyway because I feel the dream was somehow telling me to and to be honest I think it would be nice to get in touch with you just for the hell of it, if not anything else. This isn’t the first letter I’ve written to you. I have previously written you a letter for closure’s sake that I never sent. I think it helped to some degree as well.

I did want to make a brief statement about what you and I were. More because it is on my mind from time to time than anything else. We were brief, that’s for sure. I think one of the reasons that I never really got over you is because, even though you did end it, I never really felt that it was because of you. So in essence I never really felt like you and I were through, but you and I and your parents were through. It’s weird. What is ironic about the situation was that I was contemplating breaking up with you not long before your parents came into the picture anyway, so you think it wouldn’t have been such a big deal. I was sooo sick of sneaking around and hiding and all that. I just didn’t want to deal with it anymore. I wanted to actually be with you for real. And maybe this is why it was a big deal to me when we were split up, because I wanted you to start telling your parents instead of having them find out the way they did. I honestly didn’t think they would have cared that much and still don’t. They may not have liked me, and that’s fine; that’s up to me to earn their respect, but you lying to them was the real problem.

In the end, you were worth a lot of the hassle involved which is why I had to ask the last time I saw you. I just had to. I’ve kind of come up with the theory of no regrets in life, and if I hadn’t I would have regretted it. I don’t regret asking you if you wanted to get back together, and I doubt I’ll regret this letter. You were so good for me. I don’t think you fully appreciated that.

You always told me that you weren’t perfect as if I thought you were. I think you misunderstood exactly what I thought of you. I never thought you were perfect per say. As an individual, you were, and likely are, far from perfect. But it was like when God created you, he reached out and he said that you were being made for me. That’s the best that I can describe it. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think that God put you and I together and that you were made for me. When I said you were perfect, I wasn’t really talking about as an individual, I was talking more on the level that you were perfect for me. You complimented me so well. Everything, it was just like you and I were puzzle pieces with little jaggedy edges and I never thought I’d find someone who actually fit my jaggedy edges, but I did. And it completed a picture. Ever since we’ve been apart I’ve felt like a shell. It sounds cliché and sappy but, it’s true.

 

So with that, on to happier thoughts. I bring you an update to my life.

I haven’t had a job really since I left Nike. To be honest I haven’t had a desire to work in retail or restaurants, and I felt that is all I was really qualified to do. So I stopped working for a time. (I have worked a little bit for my mom over the past year or two, but not much and just to help pay the bills during some rough times).

That’s not to say I’ve been doing nothing with my life. About a half year or so after I left Nike, I went and finished taking the GED (In like the upper 92%), and then went and took my ACT (I think I got like a 22… I am usually good with math but you’d be surprised how bad you can do at even your best subjects if you haven’t even looked at it for seven or eight years). Then I went and applied to UW-Whitewater and got in. Not sure if you heard all that bit before, I know there are various Nike people who knew that… Sheldon did for sure (though he didn’t work there anymore), and I think I visited Nike once or twice since that happened… I had a sick GPA while I was there, think it was something like 3.7… yeah I’m kind of bragging but it made me feel good about myself.

About a year and a half ago I made the transfer into UW-Madison. I lost about a year’s worth of work and am 2 semesters away from graduating. Actually I could graduate after next semester but there are some classes that I really wanted to take before I left so I’m delaying it till next semester. My GPA has taken quite a hit, in fact my first two semesters I was on academic probation. It has been quite a shift going to this school from Whitewater, but I’ve gotten myself back on track and am getting good grades again. I’m quite proud of what I’ve been able to do in school. I’ve always wanted to go to Madison, but after what happened to me in High School I never thought I would get it. I’m really glad that I’ve been able to achieve this goal that I’ve had since I was like 10, even if it wasn’t in the time frame that I was hoping for.

I’m majoring in English, the subject I hated most in High School. I decided that I really wanted to be a game designer so I thought that English would be a good avenue to help learn how to create storylines and what not. While I was at Whitewater I minored in Computer Science, but Madison doesn’t do minors so I haven’t really taken a CS class since I came here.

I moved out of my mom’s house like four years ago. I moved in with a friend who I think I met in the tail end of my Nike days. Female friend, though we’ve never had any involvement past friendship. This is a concept that we have had a hard time convincing others of, but it is true none the less. I’m still struggling to convince my family that we aren’t dating though I think we’ve gotten her family down. I actually do spend more time with her than probably an average friend would, but there is no attraction. I think the time spent is more that neither of us have anything better do than to hang out.

My daughter is involved in my life now. Largely due to something that shouldn’t have happened. But I enjoy my time with her. I only see her every other weekend. I am not really pushing for more because her mother is letting me not pay child support while I am in college so that I can finish. That being said I do pay a small amount of my financial aid over to her mom to help her pay for things when I can. When I am out of school I plan on fighting for more time with her, if not custody, but for now I am just biding time.

I am currently trying to write a book, it is taking more time than I would like. But I’d like to have the book done and beginning to get in the publishing stage when I leave school so that I can get a small income right out of school. I am hoping to get in the games industry but I am realistic enough to know that this isn’t an easy industry to break into. I work on a game website and a game developers website to help me build my resume a bit and to help establish contacts, but I think it’ll take time to actually get in. So in the meantime I am going to write books, hopefully good ones. I am also trying to get a team together in order to make games independently but that may or may not happen. It is hard to convince other people that my vision will work, but I think I have a few people I can get.

I would like to say I still go to church but I don’t. I am still a firm believer that if God really wants us to go to church that he’d do something to make me not fall asleep while I’m there. I found a pastor I really like, and a church I really like. The pastor is such an amazing speaker, but he makes up for it by having 2 hour long services!!! So even though he is really good, I still have the tendency to get bored and sleepy. So instead, I try to listen to all his sermons on the iPod or computer whenever I can.

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